Not the 18 week post I wanted to post.

There unfortunately will be no pictures this week, I have been crying and sobbing like a big hot emotional pregnant mess.

Here the story, it's long but here it is....

I hadn't felt the baby move for 3 or so days, I was worried but just figured it was because we have been SO busy. I knew I didn't want to spend the Christmas holiday with that on my mind the entire time. I had gone to my mom's house to wrap presents, when I arrived I told her what was up. She suggest that I go down to the local E.R. & see if someone could just check the heartbeat & I'd be on my way. I did, no one would check because I had to actually check into the hospital. I figured that it would only be a bit, they would triage me & find the heartbeat. I planned on leaving after I heard the heart beat. I checked in & waited, hospital was packed! When I finally got back to triage the nurse had the Doppler & had me lay back. I could tell by the way that she was using it that she probably wouldn't find a heartbeat. She really wasn't real experienced with the OB department, remember SMALL hospital. So I decided to go ahead and see the doctor, I am paranoid & didn't want to ruin the holiday weekend.

I waited for hour to see the doctor. When he finally came in he was extremely nice, he use to deliver babies daily. I had all the confidence that he would find the heartbeat & I would be on my way. Doctor slopped that freezing cold ooey gooey onto my stomach and started hunting, I laid there and waited.... and waited.... and waited.... I was getting very worried, he kept searching. I started praying after about a minute, I could tell that he wasn't finding what he was looking for. I was there by myself, hadn't even told Jake I was at the hospital & now I was about to be told my baby didn't make it.

When the doctor wiped the gel off of my stomach I knew, my heart sunk. I was about to hear something I did not want to hear, alone, in a cold hospital room. He looked at me with a honest but caring look on his face. He told me, "I didn't find a heartbeat." Frantically I said, "did you hear ANYTHING that sounded like baby moving or heartbeat or ANYTHING!?!?!" "Unfortunately No, I am very sorry. Normally I would do an ultrasound we are a small hospital & no one is here to do one."

I lost it, my heart was crushed, tears began streaming down my face. I screamed, "No, you cannot do this to me. You have to find someone to do an ultrasound. I cannot leave here not knowing." He paused and said, "let me see what I can do, maybe there is someone." He left the room, I fell back onto the bed, began crying harder, begging pleading with God, this was not happening, NO, not happening, not right before Christmas, how would I make it. My world was crumbling, a sweet babe I never touched, held, smelled, kissed, was gone! I knew my mom's friend Kelly was working, I took off to the floor, I could NOT do this alone. I got to the desk, no Kelly. I turned around still sobbing went back to my room. It was just a few minutes later my door opened, KELLY! She had just left & the nurses on the floor called her and asked her to come back. Being like my other mama, she rushed back. THANK GOD! The doctor returned a short while later. He said, "No one know how to even use an ultrasound machine but me, they are bringing one over now. We are going to take a look."

My heart jump, maybe just maybe my baby would be swimming around. It took the radiology tech a little bit to bring in the machine. God bless that amazing doctor, he was so kind, understanding & compassionate. He kept checking on us while we were waiting for the machine to be delivered & set up. I fell so sorry for that poor radiology tech, I was sobbing & she didn't know what to do or say. She was trying her hardest to get the machine set up, in a totally uncomfortable situation.

Doctor returned, he told as honestly as he could, "I don't know what we will find but I am hoping for the best." I laid there with my face covered begging God once again. I looked up at him to see his face so intently studying the screen. Then he said it, "your baby is swimming all around and has a strong heartbeat."

I REALLY lost it, in a good way this time. I was uncontrollably sobbing, praising God, all I could mutter was "thank you God, thank you!!!!" over & over again. Then he said, "here I want you to see what I am seeing." and there she* was swimming all around, waving & kicking. He pointed out the heartbeat that was ever so clearly beating. I could have jumped off the table and kissed the man!

*No, we don't know it's a she but we are hoping. hahah

I have NEVER been so relieved in my life! The doctor told me that it looked like my placenta is kind of at the front of my uterus & that could be why we couldn't hear anything but my heartbeat. He also said I have no reason to worry & I'm not "high risk" or anything, baby is just a stinker...

I couldn't stop shaking, I was soooo so happy and relieved. That small taste of fear & heartache I felt when I thought we had lost out baby was unbelievable & unreal. I could never put that feeling into words. It seemed & still seems so unfair, I hate that there are actually other mother out there that do learn that their babies did make it. I have recently been learning the hard way that life is not to be taken for granted. I understand & believe that even more tonight.

I have so much gratitude in my heart tonight it is over flowing. Thank God, thank that amazing, caring, compassionate doctor, thanks to my momma for making me go (*I would have been a wreck all weekend with that on my mind), & last but not least, thank you to Kelly for coming to my rescue (& rubbing my leg... Sorry they are kind of hairy).

This Christmas is not about present, food or that jolly fat guy. It is about Jesus, family, love, miracles & my sweet baby!

And if you were wondering she* is grounded until she is 18 years old! ;)

Now without further a'do, our 18 week pregnancy highlights. It's feels so wonderful to type/say that!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 18 Weeks

Size of baby: The size of a sweet potato, 6.7 ounces & 5.9 inches

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 1 lbs

Maternity Clothes: I am still able to fit into all my regular clothes but my jeans are starting to get snug.

Gender: Big Reveal planned for January 13th

Movement: Ha, refer to this the beginning of this blog.

Sleep: Meh, I am normally awake from 6am-8am while Jake gets ready ANNOYING!

What I miss: Not having headaches, they are brutal

Cravings: MILK! Wait, that is always :)

All my love,

Whitney