Heavy Mind (Stream of consciousness)

I am sure we have all heard the phrase or heard someone say they have a "heavy heart."

Well I have a "Heavy Mind" I have so many things that I want to say. I haven't yet because I don't know if it is my place to say anything or if it's even relevant to me. (Yes, those could be the exact same thing but that is not how I mean it.) Sometimes I feel like I just need to shut up before I dig myself into a hole. But if I don't say anything I feel like an asshole & it seems as if I don't care when I really do.

People have always told me that I have a "Old Soul." Most of the time I just don't see it. Often I feel like I have the right thing to say, then the when it comes to real hard core emotions I freeze. For example, I cannot come up with the words to say to a friend that lost her baby. I don't want her to think I'm an ass & don't care, that could not be any further from the truth. I just don't know what to say, I freeze or phrase & rephrase what I should or could say & then I don't. Or another friend that has been thrown shit sack after shit sack, I want to be encouraging & positive, but then I feel like the obnoxious cheerleader that you just want to shove a sock in their mouth.

I am so much more comfortable with making people laugh & saying completely ridiculous things. Those come naturally to me, but the serious, heart felt things do not. I am afraid I will be mistaken for someone who doesn't care. I really have this problem if I haven't experienced a situation first hand.

So, my ramblings for day... it's feels great to get it off my mind. Hopefully I can begin to process all those lingering things in my mind. Most of them are ridiculously stupid but at least they won't be all naggy and such.

Indeed a Very Merry Christmas

We are so thankful for each other, especially these two. They really do love each other this much most of the time. They are the best gifts ever!!

The "Real" wing pack!!

"What under here?!?!"

"To infinity & beyond!!!"

(Brily does have on underwear, I promise)

Operating on Buzz Lightyear

Marker & Crayons & Scissors, OH MY!?!?!

Making Grandma Lena Sugar Cookies

(please excuse me & my messy kitchen)

CHEESE!!!

Christmas with Frans!

Not the 18 week post I wanted to post.

There unfortunately will be no pictures this week, I have been crying and sobbing like a big hot emotional pregnant mess.

Here the story, it's long but here it is....

I hadn't felt the baby move for 3 or so days, I was worried but just figured it was because we have been SO busy. I knew I didn't want to spend the Christmas holiday with that on my mind the entire time. I had gone to my mom's house to wrap presents, when I arrived I told her what was up. She suggest that I go down to the local E.R. & see if someone could just check the heartbeat & I'd be on my way. I did, no one would check because I had to actually check into the hospital. I figured that it would only be a bit, they would triage me & find the heartbeat. I planned on leaving after I heard the heart beat. I checked in & waited, hospital was packed! When I finally got back to triage the nurse had the Doppler & had me lay back. I could tell by the way that she was using it that she probably wouldn't find a heartbeat. She really wasn't real experienced with the OB department, remember SMALL hospital. So I decided to go ahead and see the doctor, I am paranoid & didn't want to ruin the holiday weekend.

I waited for hour to see the doctor. When he finally came in he was extremely nice, he use to deliver babies daily. I had all the confidence that he would find the heartbeat & I would be on my way. Doctor slopped that freezing cold ooey gooey onto my stomach and started hunting, I laid there and waited.... and waited.... and waited.... I was getting very worried, he kept searching. I started praying after about a minute, I could tell that he wasn't finding what he was looking for. I was there by myself, hadn't even told Jake I was at the hospital & now I was about to be told my baby didn't make it.

When the doctor wiped the gel off of my stomach I knew, my heart sunk. I was about to hear something I did not want to hear, alone, in a cold hospital room. He looked at me with a honest but caring look on his face. He told me, "I didn't find a heartbeat." Frantically I said, "did you hear ANYTHING that sounded like baby moving or heartbeat or ANYTHING!?!?!" "Unfortunately No, I am very sorry. Normally I would do an ultrasound we are a small hospital & no one is here to do one."

I lost it, my heart was crushed, tears began streaming down my face. I screamed, "No, you cannot do this to me. You have to find someone to do an ultrasound. I cannot leave here not knowing." He paused and said, "let me see what I can do, maybe there is someone." He left the room, I fell back onto the bed, began crying harder, begging pleading with God, this was not happening, NO, not happening, not right before Christmas, how would I make it. My world was crumbling, a sweet babe I never touched, held, smelled, kissed, was gone! I knew my mom's friend Kelly was working, I took off to the floor, I could NOT do this alone. I got to the desk, no Kelly. I turned around still sobbing went back to my room. It was just a few minutes later my door opened, KELLY! She had just left & the nurses on the floor called her and asked her to come back. Being like my other mama, she rushed back. THANK GOD! The doctor returned a short while later. He said, "No one know how to even use an ultrasound machine but me, they are bringing one over now. We are going to take a look."

My heart jump, maybe just maybe my baby would be swimming around. It took the radiology tech a little bit to bring in the machine. God bless that amazing doctor, he was so kind, understanding & compassionate. He kept checking on us while we were waiting for the machine to be delivered & set up. I fell so sorry for that poor radiology tech, I was sobbing & she didn't know what to do or say. She was trying her hardest to get the machine set up, in a totally uncomfortable situation.

Doctor returned, he told as honestly as he could, "I don't know what we will find but I am hoping for the best." I laid there with my face covered begging God once again. I looked up at him to see his face so intently studying the screen. Then he said it, "your baby is swimming all around and has a strong heartbeat."

I REALLY lost it, in a good way this time. I was uncontrollably sobbing, praising God, all I could mutter was "thank you God, thank you!!!!" over & over again. Then he said, "here I want you to see what I am seeing." and there she* was swimming all around, waving & kicking. He pointed out the heartbeat that was ever so clearly beating. I could have jumped off the table and kissed the man!

*No, we don't know it's a she but we are hoping. hahah

I have NEVER been so relieved in my life! The doctor told me that it looked like my placenta is kind of at the front of my uterus & that could be why we couldn't hear anything but my heartbeat. He also said I have no reason to worry & I'm not "high risk" or anything, baby is just a stinker...

I couldn't stop shaking, I was soooo so happy and relieved. That small taste of fear & heartache I felt when I thought we had lost out baby was unbelievable & unreal. I could never put that feeling into words. It seemed & still seems so unfair, I hate that there are actually other mother out there that do learn that their babies did make it. I have recently been learning the hard way that life is not to be taken for granted. I understand & believe that even more tonight.

I have so much gratitude in my heart tonight it is over flowing. Thank God, thank that amazing, caring, compassionate doctor, thanks to my momma for making me go (*I would have been a wreck all weekend with that on my mind), & last but not least, thank you to Kelly for coming to my rescue (& rubbing my leg... Sorry they are kind of hairy).

This Christmas is not about present, food or that jolly fat guy. It is about Jesus, family, love, miracles & my sweet baby!

And if you were wondering she* is grounded until she is 18 years old! ;)

Now without further a'do, our 18 week pregnancy highlights. It's feels so wonderful to type/say that!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 18 Weeks

Size of baby: The size of a sweet potato, 6.7 ounces & 5.9 inches

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 1 lbs

Maternity Clothes: I am still able to fit into all my regular clothes but my jeans are starting to get snug.

Gender: Big Reveal planned for January 13th

Movement: Ha, refer to this the beginning of this blog.

Sleep: Meh, I am normally awake from 6am-8am while Jake gets ready ANNOYING!

What I miss: Not having headaches, they are brutal

Cravings: MILK! Wait, that is always :)

All my love,

Whitney

A crumb from my childhood

I had the sweetest, white haired Great Grandma. Everyone else in the family called her Grandma Noland but not me, she was my Grandma Lena. She went to be with Jesus when I was in the 9th grade. I have so many memories with her, I miss everything about her. I miss going to her house to raid the orange slices on her counter. I miss every Saturday night sitting playing cards & watching cops. She was very old-fashion, she would scald me for using more than 3 sheets of toilet paper or filling the bathtub too full. The one thing I always looked forward to was her cooking. She was a fabulous cook!!! That woman made me LOVE liver & onions, but only hers. She made a pea salad that I KNOW my mama would sell a kidney for today to have another bowl. She made a wilted lettuce that my cousin could eat her weight in. The one thing I always looked forward to was her sugar cookies, snickerdoodles were a close second.

When Christmas rolls around I long for those sugar cookies. I'm sure the recipe is hundreds of years old and I have never tasted a cookie that compares. Starting this year, I plan to make it our new Christmas tradition of making Grandma's cookies with the boys. I will tell them all about a sweet white headed lady that would be head over heals in love with them. It brings tears to my eyes to see her sweet handwriting on a piece of scratch paper that she gave my mama with the recipe.

Grandma Lena's Sugar Cookies

3 1/4 Cups Flour

1 tsp Baking Powders

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 Cup Oleo

1 Cup sugar

1 egg

1 1/2 tsp vanilla

1/2 sour cream

Sift together flour, soda & salt.

Mix sugar, oleo, egg & vanilla. Cream & add sour cream.

Add sifted flour gradually. Chill

Roll out to 1/4 inch thickness & cut with cookie cutters. Place on greased cookie sheet.

Can sprinkle with extra sugar or icing.

Bake at 400 degrees about 12 minutes.

I am so very thankful for every second, minute & hour I spent with her! She was "one of a kind" & irreplaceable. All of my grandparents really truly mean the world to me & I would NOT be who I am today with out them.

All my love,
Whitney

Favorite Things of 2010

Yes, I made this myself... although I'm not sure how to link or share... Someone want to help me out here??

Well, corny blog party it will be!!!! These are just a few of my favorite things from 2010. They range from baby products, foods, social networks & nail polishes. It's all about you lurrrve for things!

Let it be known that I am NOT being prompted, or compensated for telling you about these products. I don't wanna get my ass in trouble.

My other boyfriend er... I ment TWITTER, it needs no introduction. If you are not following me @jwkloss that is simply your loss... LOSER :)

That tweet little bird has my heart, I could not live without twitter. If you don't not understand this madness is it because you are lame & haven't experienced "Twitter" yet. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON! Go, GO, GO!! You'll thank me someday.

Y'all I could not live with out Huggies Supreme wipes...

Lets be honest here, Big toddlers + BIG poops=HUGE MESSES requiring Huggies Supreme. Those little puny "sensitive" wipes are for the birds. 80 wipes for one diaper is not being 'green'

If you know me, you know that I have some big ole' poofy hair. An afro to be exact, except that isn't currently in style. When it is, expect me to be cashing in! So that being said I cannot live with out Chi Silk Infusion.

I put it on wet hair or dry hair. I really lurrrve this stuff!!

Oh Nutella, how I love thee, you complete me in the most best possible way. You smooth, creamy hazelnutty spread. *Wipes screen*

Lord have mercy, what couldn't you put this stuff on? I personally enjoy cramming my finger to the bottom and licking it off. Or is mighty fine on a Peanut Butter & Banana sandwich.

We are po' fok (and obviously hillbillies as well) but when we said our goodbyes and parted ways with dish network & heelllooo to $100 extra bucks a month I splurged. I signed up for Netflix & I am quite pleased with my decision.

Thank heavens Netflix has Seasons 1, 2 & 3 of Backyardigans or I might have been writing this from a ward. It also has a bajillion documentaries & I am a sucker for those things.

And the root of all evil or maybe I should just say the taker of our moolah, HOB LOB! Gosh I could spend ALL day and EVERY penny to my name in there!

I guess I am naturally a crafty person *ahem* I seem to enjoy making/growing babies. Whoopsie, back on subject Hobby Lobby, there is a endless amount thing I want to buy in there. It's a good thing the nearest one is 45 minutes away.

Oh gosh, how could I post a "Favorites" post with out mentioning my beloved ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS!!!!! Whooo Pig Sooie!

They have had an amazing football season & will be playing come January in the SUGAR BOWL!!!! So, if anyone has an extra two grand to foot the bill, I'd love to go ;)

Oh My Word, NAIL POLISH!!!! Seriously I need an intervention. Neely is completely to blame for this, I would have some scraggly, half bitten nails if it were not for her.

My favorite polish color is 'You don't know Jaques' It's just splendid!

And last but by no means least,

These guys! My best boys & my loving husband.

**Edited to add: I am going to make this a weekly affair. You know a guilty pleasure :) Different topic every Friday! It will give us something to look forward to, you know like corn in your poo... (I did just say that HA! Woo diddly!)

Grow Baby Grow 17 Weeks

I realize I haven't posted in a while, I have good reason! I have had 2 sick children & I am also to the point in my pregnancy where the blasted migraines have rared their ugly heads!

I also have been waiting to post a baby update until I was actually showing & didn't just look fat. Well I still just look fat but it's beginning to "round out" as my friend Kayla tells me.

Yes, I cut my head out of this picture. Once I got it up on the computer I noticed I had a spot on my mirror that was right on my nose. :( Next week I will clean my mirror, even though it looked clean when I took this one. All I can think about in this picture is Lotso Bear from Toy Story 3 when he said "Whoa! Big bayba"

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 17 Weeks

Size of baby: The size of a avocado, 6 ounces & 5 inches

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 1 lbs

Maternity Clothes: I am still able to fit into all my regular clothes but my jeans are starting to get snug.

Gender: Big Reveal planned for January 13th

Movement: Yes, almost every night I get a "goodnight" kick.

Sleep: Meh, I am normally awake from 6am-8am while Jake gets ready ANNOYING!

What I miss: Not having headaches, they are brutal

Cravings: MILK! Wait, that is always :)

Symptoms: Migraines & my face is so broken out.

Best Moment this week: When I noticed that my belly is starting to round out & feeling Baby K kick!

I borrowed these nifty little 'Pregnancy Highlights' from Kelly

You can at least expect one post a week from now on. haha! I am also going to do a "Favorite things of 2010" here in the next couple of day. Be thinking of what YOUR favorite thing are & we'll have a corny little blog party! Whoo diddly!

All my love,
Whit