How did this happen?!?! 36 Weeks!!!!

So, I say this every single time, but how did this happen?!?!?! How am I already 36 weeks??? I should be like 15 weeks or so it seems, but NO I am 36 weeks pregnant. I have had a really wonderful pregnancy, I am so very thankful. Everything is going so much better this time , unlike it did with the boys. I of course had the typical morning sickness & little things, but I haven't had any pre-term labor, no hospital visit (*minus my graceful fall). Jake said the other night that this pregnancy was totally different considering with the boys we had been to the hospital twice to have my labor stopped & I was already on bed rest with B by this point. I have NO swelling, very few braxton hicks (compared to the boys), only normal pregnancy issues! 


I am sooo very thankful that my womb is closing up shop on a good note (ha ha). Pregnancy can be miserable & I'm glad I can enjoy this. 


So here is the "Appointment bullet style" 

Appointment Highlights 

• I lost 3 pounds!!! Whooo Hooo! I have gained a total of 22 pounds! I am totally proud of this because with the boys I was a beached whale... 
• I have vertigo, I thought it might have been my blood pressure but it was just fine (thankfully). My poor grandma has vertigo & Meniere's disease  and bless her sweet heart, it's ANNOYING! Constantly feeling like you are drunk or just spun around 100 times on a baseball bat.
• Miss Neeley is measuring right on schedule. Her heart rate was 140's

Pregnancy Highlights

• I'm not sleeping so well but that's expected.
• Appetite is fair, no "real" cravings.
• I have been having terrible night terrors/nightmares. I wake up breathing very hard, heart racing & in a total panic. I hate the feeling!!! It takes me a while to actually "wake up" from them, so I lay there mind racing & cannot get them out of my mind. *I'll add to the bottom the crazy dream I had last night! 
• No swelling this time! Previous pregnancy I had elephant feet, talk about a conversation piece. 
• Leg cramps are a lot better, they only come occasionally. I got on the other morning that had my foot all crooked & I couldn't walk. It would have been funny if it didn't hurt so stinking bad! 

So, now for my terrible dream. I dreamed that I was on a farm with the boys & there were cow in a field next to us. I was standing talking to a old family friend & looked over to see the boys go under the fence into where the cows were. I started yelling for them to "STOP!!!" because there were baby calves & I knew the heifers would hurt the boys. So I took of running, big and pregnant. I got across to where the boys were & they were surrounded by cows. I was trying to shew the cows away but they were not going, it was almost like they were smelling me (weird part I know). So I preceded to hit one frightening them. The boys were within arms reach but they were behind a cow, I couldn't get to them. I was yelling "Help!" the entire time. So when they all jumped one cow stood up on his hind legs & fell backwards onto the boys. I was frantically trying to get the cow off of them & rescue them. When the red cow moved the boys were both laying there limp. The looks on their faces, from the dream, still haunts me today. I picked B up & he was all limp, I just knew he was hurt bad from the cow & I saw hoof prints on his chest. I was sobbing & screaming for help. At that time I woke up & was in a full on panic attack, I was frantically trying to find the boys (who were sleeping next to our bed.) I immeadeatly had to pick them up and make sure they were okay. Then, like I said, I couldn't get awake from the dream. It kept replaying in my head & I had such a guilt that I didn't pick up Jace at the same time & try and save him. I felt terrible, the look on their faces & them laying there limp just haunted me! Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep for a long time. :( I have always hated bad dreams & that pretty much takes the cake. And yes, in case you were wondering... I am crazy! 

Tattoos

    I was not going to blog today because I didn't really have anything to say but.... I came across something & well the snark in me took over! I just have to put this out there.

*Before reading ahead let's get one thing clear here, this is my blog & I will say what I please. If you cannot handle it there is a small "x" at the top of the page & you can help yourself. Don't leave me some nasty comment about your tattoo & I do not need a justification as to why you have a permanent unicorn tattooed on your back. I do not mean any offense by this, it's just me being me, saying what I think. Ha! Who would have ever imagined! Carry on* 


    First let me start by saying YES, I do indeed have a tattoo & NO, I am NOT against tattoo's. I understand that tattoo's are the latest and greatest fad, most are in someway sentimental to the individual. What I do not understand is when I see a "hairdresser" get a scissor tattoo. (And Jaclyn if you do this I will make so much fun of you! Seriously reconsider!) There are a lot people who are passionate about their work. Accountants, Lawyer, Police Officers, Doctors, even Stay at home Momma are passionate about raising their babies.

    So that said, should an accountant get a ledger tattooed on their ankle, or a Lawyer get 'Lady Justice' on their back? Could you really take a officer serious if he walked up and had handcuff tattooed on their wrist? Absolutely not, I would burst out laughing & probably laugh all the way to the pokey. How could you really hear a diagnosis from a doctor who has a syringe tattooed down the inside of his arm? You just simply couldn't, it's not professional, but I know that hairdresser are not doctors.

    What about jobs that are deemed less professional, more of a blue collar jobs. For instance Mechanics or Construction workers. My husband is a mechanic & I would never allow him to get a engine rod tattooed on him or a chainsaw. Construction workers don't walk around with hammer & screwdrivers tattooed on them. Truck drivers do not have the 'Mac bulldog' tattooed on them. *Correction: Anyone could very well have any of these things tattooed on them. If they do well, I consider their tattoo's just as ridiculous as a pair of scissors. 

    We are from the land of hillbillies & hicks, I know people around here get some of the stupidest tattoo's.  Some including favorite race car drivers, vehicle brands, pot leaves, etc. I think all of those are just as stupid. I guess what I am getting at the fact that you* have to live with these tattoo's forever.


*Yes, I say "YOU" not me so why should I give a crap, but let's be realistic here. 


    I just hope you don't have to have a conversation someday that go a little like this, "Yes sonny, that there is a merrywanny leaf. Pappy here just use to smoke a little herb back in his day"

    While I think some tattoo's are totally stupid, some are very meaningful. I have seen mothers who have lost babies get tattoo's in honor. Nothing show's pride like a old solider or sailor walking around with a tattoo to represent their time served. It's is on their arm just like it will always be on their hearts.

   Just imagine if everyone in the 70's got tattoo's related to that generation & their lifestyles. We would have a bunch of former hippies walking around with unicorns, rainbows, purple dragons & whatever else they happened to experience while on a acid induced trip. People in the 80's would have eight tracks & atari tattoos. Individuals of the 90's would probably have beanie babies & furbies tattoo's for heaven sake.

    I just hope that before you get your next tattoo you remember that in 20 you probably won't still be a hairdresser & you people probably won't even know who was the "World's Greatest Nascar driver" was.

    One last thing, if you do decided to get those handcuffs please, PLEASE go to someone that is reputable. My mom once worked with a girl who wanted her brother to tattoo a "shroom" (Yes, Mushroom  that you ingest & get incredibly high) on her back. Her dearest brother was much obliged, he gave her a tattoo alright. Can you imagine being 15 and super excited about this new tattoo that your totally awesome older brother gave you. I bet you are dying to get to first hour and show all the other girls & guys how awesome you are cause you got a tattoo. Too bad her brother tattoo a penis on her sholder blade, YES you read that right, A PENIS FOREVER ON HER BACK!!!! 

    Now back to your regularly scheduled programing....

Redemption is sweet...

I have failed miserably at life. It's true, It's a past that I cannot run and hide from. Sometimes those mistakes run through my mind daily, other times I don't think about it for days.

Failure is a common feeling, I feel like I failed my husband, myself, my morals & the commitment I made to my husband & God. I took a vow & then a few short months later, let them go. Did I mean every word I said that October day in 2005? Absolutely, with all my heart. I would cry when we were separated, I wanted so bad to have that love, bliss & desire back that I had just a few short months before.

I am still to this day not sure what caused that turmoil, it could have been a number of things. I was young, very young. Barely 18 I was still a kid, I was making a commitment that was for the REST of my life. I was the baby, a spoiled rotten baby. I was use to everything being MINE for ME! It's hard go from a selfish child to a adult that is now a teammate. We had family that moved in a 2 months after we married. There was no other choice, but that selfish child in me acted just like that. Marriage is H.A.R.D absolutely NO denying that.

I gave up far to easy, I was selfish & I was inconsiderate. When I was done, I was done. I only cared about myself & my feeling. I was jealous of my friends who were headed off to college, dating & partying. I paid no consideration to the one person that loved me unconditionally & was doing everything in his power to give me what I wanted, when I wanted. I was stupid.

While Jake is not perfect, looking back the majority of the issues were my fault. That is hard to accept sometimes, I wanted so bad to have the best of both worlds. I secretly battled depression, my heart was full of discontent & envy. The one person I needed to turn to, I turned my back on.

It made for a LONG first year of marriage. Numerous time after I would royally screw up, I would beg for forgiveness, promise I had changed, attempted to be "grown up" & committed back to my husband. It wouldn't be long before I would screw it all up again. My patient, forgiving, understanding husband soon lost patience with me. I know he never stopped loving me, but it can be hard to like someone who intentionally hurts you over and over again. He was giving up on those promises & that commitment. I will never forget the last time I begged for forgiveness. It was the end of September, we were closing in on a year of marriage & he was closing out on me (with reason, I don't hold that again him for one second). I sobbed & cried, I begged & pleaded. Something told me to beg, plead, sob & cry. I think God told me, "Whitney, if you give up it is done." The stubborn in me was strong that night, but I was at his will. I would have done anything that night, it crushed my soul to hear he "wanted a divorce." Reality kicked me right in the face, but I wasn't giving up! It was as if the childish, selfish, brat just got up and walked out. The normal (for that time being) Whitney would have been begged for a while, thrown a fit & turned it around on him. Something that night silenced that person, all I could do was beg, sitting on the edge of that bed with tears streaming down my cheeks.

To say I am thankful that he gave me one last chance would be a complete & total understatement. Where would my life be today had he not given me that millionth chance? I cannot answer that question, I can only assume I would have learned a all new low, I would have fought demons I had never seen, I would have cried more tears than imaginable. While the events & actions of those 8 or 9 months were terrible, they are no longer relevant. I refuse to stick on the negative, this is REDEMPTION!!!  A few weeks after that terrible, but redeeming night Jake & I sat down & had a talk. I explained to that I was indeed a terrible wife & while I probably didn't deserve a second chance, I was thankful. We agreed that night that we would simply forgive, we wouldn't mention those days. He knew I was not perfect, but he did not want the details.

It took quite some time for him to trust me, I expected that. Through all that time God never turned his back on me, he did though allow me to hurt. He was teaching me a lesson and I learned so VERY VERY much. God rewarded us, just one short month after our reconciliation. He gave us purpose, he gave us drive, he gave us a all new meaning to life. God gave us a child! While Jace didn't save our marriage (God did), he sure made it sweet. We were shown the promises of life in his sweet face.

I thank God every single day for Jake, I am so thankful he is hard working, committed, loving, caring, forgiving. While I could go on for days, I am well aware that I am the lucky one. Even though he hates to snuggle & kiss, had dry scaly feet & leaves his dirty laundry laying around; I wouldn't change him for the world.

Redemption is so very very sweet.