Rewarding

Let's 'face' it, boys are extra hard to keep clean. Dirty faces
are pretty much a given around here. Fingernails too! 

Days like today are hard, everything is missing, everyone is tired & hungry, rain is pouring for the 5th day straight, fresh out of milk & mommy is not feeling well. I hate days like today, I wish my house stayed clean, my dishes stayed washed & tummies never got hungry. Unfortunately I would be unemployed if that were the case. Although parenting is hard some days, not a day goes by that it isn't rewarding & gratifying. I am crazy about my boys, none the less. Nothing is sweeter than looking into their sweet faces, precious smiles & the warm fuzzy feeling it gives you. I love to watch their personalities shine through, they are so different! 

Even though I have bad days just like everyone else, I wouldn't change a thing; except maybe the weather :) I love these two, I am really trying to savor every last drop of them, I know here in FOUR weeks or less my attentions will be divided again. I am so happy for her though, she's going to be a lucky little girl to have such great big brothers! They are equally excited for her arrival, Jace tell me every time she sees my stomach roll, "I think she wants outta there, Mama." 


Even though my house goes unkept, my laundry piles up & dishes don't always get done right away they will only be little once. I use to worry before I had B that I was taking Jace's 'babyhood' away. Little did I know I gave him the greatest gift ever, A little brother! They are B.E.S.T Friends, inseparable! I hope they are that way when they are 15 & 16 and too big to spank. I'll look back a pictures & smile about the goofy things they said or did, like "Bri, ook at Mama & cheese."


I am really the lucky one to have such wonderful kids! 

Self Body Image

I do not care what any woman says, they are never ever satisfied with their body image. A good friend Shawna & I had a conversation of Facebook earlier about SBI* & I admit, I am not satisfied with my SBI.

*Self Body Image (I am too lazy to time that a million times)


I am pregnant & that really has nothing to do with it, except being pregnant to begin with didn't help along that SBI. Have I ever been truly satisfied with my body? Not for as long as I can remember. Now I was not an anorexic 9 year old, but I have had a pudgy belly the majority of my life. (Thank you Noland side of the family!) Stomachs are hard to "cover" unlike big butt that guys drool over. You never hear "Look at that girls  gut." I have no butt to even be spoke of, I have weird little bird legs and a double chin that tries to take over my face.

If someone asked me, what is one thing that you would surgically change about yourself? It would be my stupid double chin, that would be followed closely by a tummy tuck, real close. Would it do any good at all though? NOPE! I am sure I would then move onto my flabby arms or my "hello I've had 3 kids" drooping chest.

I know that Dove has a campaign, I think they call it "Dove: Campaign for Real Beauty" (yes, I just googled that) They created this amazing video to show girls & women... Well here, watch this....

It's a pretty amazing video of the "evolution" that goes on when professional are involved. They just took an average looking woman, just like you & I and made her "billboard perfect." Where are those people when I want to look good? The majority of the time I could care less about my looks. If I really cared I would not constantly walk around in t-shirts, yoga pants & my hair up in a unbrushed ponytail. Does that have something to do with being pregnant & the Momma of 2 small boys, uh, probably.

With a daughter on the way, it worries me. I don't want her to grow up wishing she was something or someone else. While I may not be satisfied with my body, I am VERY proud of who I am as a whole, fat rolls & all. My friends love me for my personality, my wit, my heart & not for my good looks. My husband loves me for me! He had definitely had skinnier girlfriends in the past, some have had prettier hair, he's dated the cheerleader typer & the preps. It obviously wasn't what he wanted or was meant to be, because he married me. (I won't go into how one was psycho, that is a whole different post haha!) I want Neeley Kayt to find someone who loves her for whats on the inside & not want on the out. That "someone" can wait 40 years to come along, but I hope her Prince Charming just loves her for her.

I hope I never find her crying in the mirror because she thinks "she's fat" or upset because some pin headed boy called her ugly. (Thank God for big brother to handle pin headed boys like that. Fighting is not allowed, unless someone is mean to your sister... or tries to kiss her!!!! *kidding, kind of) I also hope my boys are not pin headed & say mean things to girl who might not be as skinny or pretty as the girls that are portrayed on television are. (And yes, I will knock there heads off if I find out that they say or do something mean to a girl.) 


I recently went to my great aunts 80th birthday party. Her sweet husband Max made her birthday card. On the front it had a picture of Margie when she was 17 or 18, it was the picture taken of her for winning "Carnival Homecoming Queen" and read "What is as beautiful as this Homecoming Queen?" On the inside was a recent picture of her & it read (I cannot remember exactly so don't kill me) "This beauty Queen at 80 years old." All the women in my family nearly died when they read it, it was the sweetest thing every. Max loves Margie for Margie even though she is still beautiful, she's 80. I am certain he loves her more for whats on the inside than the outside. 


I am going out on a whim here to say that I think girls & women who become so obsessed with their looks, hair, make-up, fashion, etc. lose sight of themselves. Not to mention they become very full of themselves, if they are indeed pretty & are really hard to like, they are not true to who they really are. I also cringe when girls annoyingly carry on about "being fat" or "ugly." Just shut up, if it's attention you want, you are not going about it in a good way. Confidence will get you a lot more attention than a "whoa is me pity party."  I have also had "Pity Parties" myself, they don't last long & are normally silenced with a cookie. 

You just have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Everyone grows old, everyone becomes saggy, everyone get wrinkles & black hair when you're 80 is not natural. Sure, I want to lose weight, but I doubt my husband will love me more. Hopefully I will be more accepting of myself & love myself a little more. I also want to do it to be an example to my children that you should love yourself for you! I also don't want to kick the bucket anytime soon, I want to live a long healthy life. I have to make my kids life miserable you know.

Redemption is sweet...

I have failed miserably at life. It's true, It's a past that I cannot run and hide from. Sometimes those mistakes run through my mind daily, other times I don't think about it for days.

Failure is a common feeling, I feel like I failed my husband, myself, my morals & the commitment I made to my husband & God. I took a vow & then a few short months later, let them go. Did I mean every word I said that October day in 2005? Absolutely, with all my heart. I would cry when we were separated, I wanted so bad to have that love, bliss & desire back that I had just a few short months before.

I am still to this day not sure what caused that turmoil, it could have been a number of things. I was young, very young. Barely 18 I was still a kid, I was making a commitment that was for the REST of my life. I was the baby, a spoiled rotten baby. I was use to everything being MINE for ME! It's hard go from a selfish child to a adult that is now a teammate. We had family that moved in a 2 months after we married. There was no other choice, but that selfish child in me acted just like that. Marriage is H.A.R.D absolutely NO denying that.

I gave up far to easy, I was selfish & I was inconsiderate. When I was done, I was done. I only cared about myself & my feeling. I was jealous of my friends who were headed off to college, dating & partying. I paid no consideration to the one person that loved me unconditionally & was doing everything in his power to give me what I wanted, when I wanted. I was stupid.

While Jake is not perfect, looking back the majority of the issues were my fault. That is hard to accept sometimes, I wanted so bad to have the best of both worlds. I secretly battled depression, my heart was full of discontent & envy. The one person I needed to turn to, I turned my back on.

It made for a LONG first year of marriage. Numerous time after I would royally screw up, I would beg for forgiveness, promise I had changed, attempted to be "grown up" & committed back to my husband. It wouldn't be long before I would screw it all up again. My patient, forgiving, understanding husband soon lost patience with me. I know he never stopped loving me, but it can be hard to like someone who intentionally hurts you over and over again. He was giving up on those promises & that commitment. I will never forget the last time I begged for forgiveness. It was the end of September, we were closing in on a year of marriage & he was closing out on me (with reason, I don't hold that again him for one second). I sobbed & cried, I begged & pleaded. Something told me to beg, plead, sob & cry. I think God told me, "Whitney, if you give up it is done." The stubborn in me was strong that night, but I was at his will. I would have done anything that night, it crushed my soul to hear he "wanted a divorce." Reality kicked me right in the face, but I wasn't giving up! It was as if the childish, selfish, brat just got up and walked out. The normal (for that time being) Whitney would have been begged for a while, thrown a fit & turned it around on him. Something that night silenced that person, all I could do was beg, sitting on the edge of that bed with tears streaming down my cheeks.

To say I am thankful that he gave me one last chance would be a complete & total understatement. Where would my life be today had he not given me that millionth chance? I cannot answer that question, I can only assume I would have learned a all new low, I would have fought demons I had never seen, I would have cried more tears than imaginable. While the events & actions of those 8 or 9 months were terrible, they are no longer relevant. I refuse to stick on the negative, this is REDEMPTION!!!  A few weeks after that terrible, but redeeming night Jake & I sat down & had a talk. I explained to that I was indeed a terrible wife & while I probably didn't deserve a second chance, I was thankful. We agreed that night that we would simply forgive, we wouldn't mention those days. He knew I was not perfect, but he did not want the details.

It took quite some time for him to trust me, I expected that. Through all that time God never turned his back on me, he did though allow me to hurt. He was teaching me a lesson and I learned so VERY VERY much. God rewarded us, just one short month after our reconciliation. He gave us purpose, he gave us drive, he gave us a all new meaning to life. God gave us a child! While Jace didn't save our marriage (God did), he sure made it sweet. We were shown the promises of life in his sweet face.

I thank God every single day for Jake, I am so thankful he is hard working, committed, loving, caring, forgiving. While I could go on for days, I am well aware that I am the lucky one. Even though he hates to snuggle & kiss, had dry scaly feet & leaves his dirty laundry laying around; I wouldn't change him for the world.

Redemption is so very very sweet.