I have failed miserably at life. It's true, It's a past that I cannot run and hide from. Sometimes those mistakes run through my mind daily, other times I don't think about it for days.
Failure is a common feeling, I feel like I failed my husband, myself, my morals & the commitment I made to my husband & God. I took a vow & then a few short months later, let them go. Did I mean every word I said that October day in 2005? Absolutely, with all my heart. I would cry when we were separated, I wanted so bad to have that love, bliss & desire back that I had just a few short months before.
I am still to this day not sure what caused that turmoil, it could have been a number of things. I was young, very young. Barely 18 I was still a kid, I was making a commitment that was for the REST of my life. I was the baby, a spoiled rotten baby. I was use to everything being MINE for ME! It's hard go from a selfish child to a adult that is now a teammate. We had family that moved in a 2 months after we married. There was no other choice, but that selfish child in me acted just like that. Marriage is H.A.R.D absolutely NO denying that.
I gave up far to easy, I was selfish & I was inconsiderate. When I was done, I was done. I only cared about myself & my feeling. I was jealous of my friends who were headed off to college, dating & partying. I paid no consideration to the one person that loved me unconditionally & was doing
everything in his power to give me what I wanted, when I wanted. I was stupid.
While Jake is not perfect, looking back the majority of the issues were
my fault. That is hard to accept sometimes, I wanted so bad to have the best of both worlds. I secretly battled depression, my heart was full of discontent & envy. The one person I needed to turn to, I turned my back on.
It made for a
LONG first year of marriage. Numerous time after I would royally screw up, I would beg for forgiveness, promise I had changed, attempted to be "grown up" & committed back to my husband. It wouldn't be long before I would screw it all up again. My patient, forgiving, understanding husband soon lost patience with me. I know he never stopped loving me, but it can be hard to like someone who intentionally hurts you over and over again. He was giving up on those promises & that commitment. I will never forget the last time I begged for forgiveness. It was the end of September, we were closing in on a year of marriage & he was closing out on me (with reason, I don't hold that again him for one second). I sobbed & cried, I begged & pleaded. Something told me to beg, plead, sob & cry. I think God told me, "Whitney, if you give up it is done." The stubborn in me was strong that night, but I was at his will. I would have done anything that night, it crushed my soul to hear he "wanted a divorce." Reality kicked me right in the face, but I wasn't giving up! It was as if the childish, selfish, brat just got up and walked out. The normal
(for that time being) Whitney would have been begged for a while, thrown a fit & turned it around on him. Something that night silenced that person, all I could do was beg, sitting on the edge of that bed with tears streaming down my cheeks.
To say I am thankful that he gave me one last chance would be a complete & total understatement. Where would my life be today had he
not given me that millionth chance? I cannot answer that question, I can only assume I would have learned a all new low, I would have fought demons I had never seen, I would have cried more tears than imaginable. While the events & actions of those 8 or 9 months were terrible, they are no longer relevant. I refuse to stick on the negative, this is
REDEMPTION!!! A few weeks after that terrible, but redeeming night Jake & I sat down & had a talk. I explained to that I was indeed a terrible wife & while I probably didn't deserve a second chance, I was thankful. We agreed that night that we would simply forgive, we wouldn't mention those days. He knew I was not perfect, but he did not want the details.
It took quite some time for him to trust me, I expected that. Through all that time God never turned his back on me, he did though allow me to hurt. He was teaching me a lesson and I learned so VERY VERY much. God rewarded us, just one short month after our reconciliation. He gave us purpose, he gave us drive, he gave us a all new meaning to life. God gave us a child! While Jace didn't save our marriage (God did), he sure made it sweet. We were shown the promises of life in his sweet face.
I thank God every single day for Jake, I am so thankful he is hard working, committed, loving, caring, forgiving. While I could go on for days, I am well aware that I am the lucky one. Even though he hates to snuggle & kiss, had dry scaly feet & leaves his dirty laundry laying around; I wouldn't change him for the world.
Redemption is so very
very sweet.
